"I wish I could put all my thoughts in a jar. I think too much. Thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things I don’t want to deal with. It gets too much for me to handle and I panic. I shit myself down and go to war with myself. I'm tired. I’m sick of being tired. I don’t like who I am, but I have to live with it. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sick of feeling sad. Sick of wanting things and people I can’t have. I want to be at peace with myself for once. To be happy and think about things that won't send me over the edge." - Tumblr

THIS happened to me just now. From 2am to 6am in the morning. My mind went frantic. I just don't know why. Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared about myself, dealing with people. I'm scared about the future, what it holds for me. I thought about EVERYTHING. From the people I met who came across in my life, who of course, come and go, myself as a person, my parents, my studies, my future. I guess just now was a breakdown moment for me. For the record, it's been months I last felt this way. I cried while I was praying on my bed.. in the dark. Those were my silent tears.

Yes, you see me as a happy-go-lucky person on the outside but hey, I too have my breakdown moments. Nobody really knows what's the inside of me have to say. I bottled up my thoughts, my feelings. And when I can't take it anymore, I will burst out crying uncontrollably. All alone. With no one to share with. Even my parents have no idea what I've been through. They have enough problems to deal with and I'm never ever going to burden them with my problems. I guess I can handle it on my own, which, sometimes I'm having doubt about it.

Say whatever you want to say. I guess I'm in my pathetic and weak state right now. Sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm stressed out thinking about all the different random things that are on my mind. Ever felt that you're just alone and you feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under scream but no one seems to hear a thing? Yeah. That's how I felt. And if you noticed, it's some of the lyrics from the song Firework by Katy Perry.

I hope so and I pray for that.

Oh Allah. Guide me through this. I'm only a weak human-being. Sesungguhnye aku mohon sangat kepadaMu Ya Allah... Amin.

;with ♥ 4:37 PM